The other day my husband told me that on one of his visits to the park with the little ones (without me) a little boy, who my husband said must’ve been 5 or so, and with whom my 3.5 year old wanted to play with looked at him and said, “I don’t want to play with you, you’re fat!”
When my husband told me that my stomach got a sick feeling. My heart filled with rage and I asked him, “Did you tell the little shit he was ugly? Did you tell his parents that their piece of shit kid just insulted our child? What did you do?!?!” Yup..rage.
My Midwestern husband, with his laid back personality looked at me in silence. “Well? What did you say?” ”Nothing. (3.5 yr old) didn’t even understand what he said to him and we just went to play some where else.”
I was furious. And I will admit, even as I write this I am furious…and sad. My son IS NOT FAT. He is larger, taller, stronger than the average 3.5 year old. He also more articulate, super funny, witty, and sweeter than the average 3.5 year old.
My dad likes to tell the story about how when I was 4 or 5 he took me to the doctor and the doctor told him I was fat and that I needed to be put on a diet. I have heard that story so many times in my life, embellished each time he tells it, and he loves to tell it in front of me, to remind me that I was always fat, always ugly.
So, when it comes to my child, who again IS NOT FAT, and hearing other nasty, rude, ill-mannered bullies put my kid down, it makes me angry, but sad that I won’t always be there to defend them, protect them, block them from the nastiness that will chip away at that innocence I adore so much. My 3.5 year old believes he is beautiful. So much so that he’ll say things like, “Mama, I heart my beautiful finger” or “Mama, can you brush my beautiful hair?” or “Mama, I brushed my beautiful teeth!”. This is because I have convinced him that he and his brothers are beautiful. Not just on the outside, but on the inside. I make sure to point out when they do something insensitive or mean and talk extensively to them about how words are hurtful and can be negative or positive, depending on how they use them.
I wish that I could teach them to not be hurt by the words of others, I wish I could fill them up with all the self confidence and self love in the world so that they are never put down by someone else’s ignorance and intolerance. But I am not sure if I can, I am not sure if what I have to teach them and give them will be enough.
Here’s The Skinny: I don’t know what I would’ve done had I been in my husband’s place that day. I say that I would have broken the child’s spirit, made him cry. I say that I would’ve gone straight to his parents and told them what a horrid monster their child is and that I’m sure it has everything to do with them…I say that as I pace angrily in my living room hurt that someone tried to hurt my boy’s feelings, but I don’t know. I would’ve said something, maybe just not so harsh…because in the end I know that sticks and stones hurt…but mean words leave scars that can last forever.
5 comments
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May 13, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Lisa
I can’t believe a child would say something like that, that’s awful but then again, some kids can be mean. The child probably got it from either his parents or other kids such as from school or a day care. Maybe your husband should’ve said to him that it wasn’t nice to say such a thing but he was probably shocked that a 5 yr. old would say something like that so that’s why he didn’t say anything.
Just know that kids can be mean and we can’t always shield them away from kids like that, unfortunately. You are doing a good thing tho, telling them they are beautiful all the time will have them filled with lots of confidence. You’re such a good mommy
May 15, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Evelyn
Whoa… that’s tough. Because that’s alot of psychological things right there, that both children don’t really comprehend. I don’t know what I would do either about the other child.. But I understand your frustration.
May 17, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Toni
Ooooh, I’m with ya, sister. I would have had a hard time biting my tongue in that situation. I’m not proud of the fact that my first reaction would be to want to get into it with a five year old or his parents, but even reading this brought out my mother bear instincts. Our little mister is perfect, and I am glad that he thinks so!!
May 18, 2009 at 2:55 pm
NikkiD
Not sure what I would do either. I would probably have the same intial reaction that you did – to say something hurtful back right away. But with more thought, hopefully I would be able to say something constructive so that the other child realizes what he said was wrong. But since your child didn’t not seem to react it seems like things had the best outcome for the situation. But the Momma Bear in me would stilll like to growl and then scoop up my little cub with a big bear hug!
May 26, 2009 at 2:33 am
Ms. Latina
You are doing a wonderful job, instilling in your boys that they are beautiful no matter what. I also have a son who some may call “big” and another who is thought of as too “thin”. I have been accused of overfeeding one and of keeping food away from another. I was deeply offended when this happened but in the end, we can’t change other people, we only have control over how WE will react. You are teaching that to your sons, you are instilling in them a confidence that they will carry with them always, no matter what they will face. You are teaching them by example that they can and are accepted not just their appearane, but by their words and deeds. That my dear is the greatest gift we as parents can give them, not the toys! Sadly, they will face ugliness in this world and I have learned that the more we shield them, the more we shelter them, the harder it becomes for them to move about this world. Teach them little by little and they will carry that always.