When my husband told me that my stomach got a sick feeling.  My heart filled with rage and I asked him, “Did you tell the little shit he was ugly?  Did you tell his parents that their piece of shit kid just insulted our child?  What did you do?!?!” Yup..rage.

My Midwestern husband, with his laid back personality looked at me in silence. “Well?  What did you say?”  ”Nothing. (3.5 yr old) didn’t even understand what he said to him and we just went to play some where else.”

I was furious.  And I will admit, even as I write this I am furious…and sad.  My son IS NOT FAT. He is larger, taller, stronger than the average 3.5 year old.  He also more articulate, super funny, witty, and sweeter than the average 3.5 year old.  

My dad likes to tell the story about how when I was 4 or 5 he took me to the doctor and the doctor told him I was fat and that I needed to be put on a diet.  I have heard that story so many times in my life, embellished each time he tells it, and he loves to tell it in front of me, to remind me that I was always fat, always ugly.

So, when it comes to my child, who again IS NOT FAT, and hearing other nasty, rude, ill-mannered bullies put my kid down, it makes me angry, but sad that I won’t always be there to defend them, protect them, block them from the nastiness that will chip away at that innocence I adore so much.  My 3.5 year old believes he is beautiful.  So much so that he’ll say things like, “Mama, I heart my beautiful finger” or “Mama, can you brush my beautiful hair?” or “Mama, I brushed my beautiful teeth!”.  This is because I have convinced him that he and his brothers are beautiful.  Not just on the outside, but on the inside.  I make sure to point out when they do something insensitive or mean and talk extensively to them about how words are hurtful and can be negative or positive, depending on how they use them.

I wish that I could teach them to not be hurt by the words of others, I wish I could fill them up with all the self confidence and self love in the world so that they are never put down by someone else’s ignorance and intolerance. But I am not sure if I can, I am not sure if what I have to teach them and give them will be enough.

Here’s The Skinny: I don’t know what I would’ve done had I been in my husband’s place that day.  I say that I would have broken the child’s spirit, made him cry. I say that I would’ve gone straight to his parents and told them what a horrid monster their child is and that I’m sure it has everything to do with them…I say that as I pace angrily in my living room hurt that someone tried to hurt my boy’s feelings, but I don’t know.  I would’ve said something, maybe just not so harsh…because in the end I know that sticks and stones hurt…but mean words leave scars that can last forever.

For example…I can go to any dieting site and give them my height (5’6) and tell them my weight and it will tell me I am obese. Yes, ladies and gents…OBESE.  Because a scale for a person of my height should read no more than, get this, 130-140 Max. Here’s the thing…I haven’t weighed 130 since I was teenager and as a teenager I was very thin, skin and bones.  With many bones sticking out of my chest, my hips, and at one point, my face.  But anywhere I went I was told I was overweight.

Me, at 17 and 127-130lbs. Also, the only reason I am posing this way was because my mother, who I know wouldn't judge me, took this picture. I was never as confident as I look in this picture at that age. I thought I was so FAT because that's what my dad always told me.

So today, I finally weighed myself.  It’s been exactly 3 weeks since I started this venture and I knew that as much as I hated it, I also wanted to let you all know, what, if anything, had changed.  When I started I was 233lbs..looks like such a huge number…but I think I “wear” those pounds better than some…today the scale told me I weighed 228.  So, I have lost 5lbs. 5lbs in 3 weeks.  Not bad…especially with my having slacked off a couple of times here and there (I don’t recommend this too often especially in such a short span).

Now, for me, I can say I am happy that all my hard work is paying off.  My jeans are feeling a little looser…but the biggest change is my energy and my running has improved.  I don’t look very different, except that my skin is softer and glows more.  Granted, I am not running any marathons any time soon, probably never…and chances are that the time for the 4 mile run this coming Sunday at Central Park will take me more than an hour…but at least I am doing it, having fun, and feeling great about it.

So here’s the skinny: don’t let the scale control you.  Use it to measure how well you’ve done (or how much more you need to do), but don’t let it take away from the sense of accomplishment and pride in the hard work you are putting in towards your journey towards health.  Take it from a labeled “obese” woman, who isn’t that at all, the scale is not the final say in your progress and success.

So I got up and headed out.  As I made my walk the thoughts of what had made me angry kept playing themselves over and over in my mind.  By the time I became aware of my surroundings I was sweating and almost in front of the park.  My newspaper friend greeted me, smiling.  This made me smile too…and just like that I seemed to have literally sweated my anger away.

I made my loop around the park again running, none stop.  It seemed easier this time.  Killer Hill 1 is still a challenge for me, but not as much as when I first started.

I felt really amazing by the time I ran up Killer Hill 2, also seemed easier.

Here’s the skinny: I can’t avoid negativity in my life, and as much as I try to maintain a positive outlook, there will be occasions from time to time when negativity will get in the way.  My working out I do for me, and I can’t let anything, especially stupid negative crap, ever stop me from taking care of me.  Cause then the bad guys win.  It is especially when it envelopes you, the crappy parts of life, that you need to force yourself away from it’s hold and do something for you, even if at first you don’t feel like it.  Pursuing to be positive is not as hard as some people may think.

So, I got up, got out, and realized I had done so by 6:00AM, which was unnecessarily early.  I was strong in my stride and fast in my pace.  I ran/walked to the park.  In my head: silence.  No runner, no encouragement, no motivational speeches.  Just the sound of my breath.

I walked past the African newspaper guy.  This guy has watched me at my best, running while pushing the kids in a double stroller.  This was last summer. Before I injured my foot.  He always greets me, smiles with the wonderful smile of his.  I love it because it is so wide, so sincere, his white teeth gleaming from behind his beautiful black skin.  He’s always such a great sight.  But I digress….

I get to the entrance of the park.  I start thinking about a 4 mile race I just committed to running in a couple of weeks.  I am scared out of my mind about running 4 miles, but excited as well.  With this thought in mind, I start a slow jogging pace.  I search my head for a conversation.  There is none.  Nothing…just the pounding of my feet on the ground and my breath.  It was quiet at the park too, with it being so early not a lot of people were around yet.

I needed a distraction to get through this, or so I thought.  I stared at the white line.  The painted line that divides the car area from the run/walk/bike path.  It runs all along the park.  I stared down at it, not looking up.  ”Ok, line…take me out of here.”  So, I jog, and jog, and jog…up Her Hill…down it, around The Cloisters…up Killer Hill 1, and instead of stopping I kept going…next thing I knew I was outside of the park.

I couldn’t believe it!  No, really, I couldn’t. “I did it!  I did it!” I said out load, while catching my breath.  I ran over a mile, non-stop, for the first time since I started this over a week ago.

I held my head up high, walked my way up to Killer Hill 2, jogged it…and walked the rest of the way home.

Here’s the skinny: I am not sure what the deal is with hearing the voice of encouragement sometimes, but not today. But the silence and hard focus on what I was doing took pressure away from me.  Today I just ran.  No mission, no goal…I just went.  And it was the best run I’ve had.  Sometimes it’s ok to just embrace the silence in our heads and go with the flow.  Not put pressure on ourselves to work harder.  If we love what we do, it will come through, even when all the noise has died down and we are left alone.

She promised that the next day we would be at a place where I will have plenty of room to run or walk for miles if I wanted to.  Turns out, it was the beach.  And though lovely, with 8 miles of terrain along the shore, it wasn’t by any means easy to run or walk on.

First of all, I wasn’t dressed to run on the beach.  It was over 90 degrees when we arrived and I have already experienced running on the beach in high temps with no drinking water, over dressed (meaning too much covering, and no sun screen), and the feeling of near death that followed.  The beach was a surprise, and thus, I didn’t bring beach clothes, or clothes appropriate for running on it.  Plus, it was crowded, not easy to navigate around so many little kids playing along the same shore.  (Sigh).  I walked a bit, but with my little ones by my side, so a fast walk was also not possible.  By the time we got back to the house, I was so exhausted and worn out from all the fun and day spent in the sun that I didn’t run that evening either.  It ate at me.  I couldn’t shake the feeling of having failed some how.  Any other, more focused, more dedicated person, would have made it work out.  These are the thoughts I let get to me.  I tend to be hard on myself in most things.  It’s a learned habit.  I try not to beat myself down too much though, and by the end of the night I made peace with myself by promising to go the next day, and by focusing on the amazing day I spent with my friends and family…and by the fact that I didn’t eat myself into oblivion or made too many bad choices…not always the best ones, but not too many bad ones either.

I woke up this morning, put on my work out gear and headed out…unsure of where I was going, unfamiliar with the neighborhood, but focused on getting a good sweat out of it.  

I hit a few hills, and pushed myself past each one.  I didn’t run the entire way, walked some, but got a good work out…and with The Runner pushing me the whole way and encouraging me to push myself, walk faster, go further, I managed to get a nice workout. I even took a minute to stop and admire the scenery.

Here’s the skinny: Not everyday is going to be perfect, not every day is going to be good.  But I have to remember that I can’t get too lost in the things I didn’t accomplish so much so that I overlook the things that I did.

I suspect that vacation days will be hard for me.  But I need to remember that I can’t equate them with being bad for me, even if I miss a workout. I spent a wonderful day with my family and friends.  My kids laughed, wholeheartedly, the entire time. My husband kissed me and told me he loved me, my friends extended their home, friendship, and kindness to us.  In the end, nothing of value was lost…but many valuable memories were created.

I did make a promise to myself though.  At the event, I had the chance to chat with one of the PR people there, and we talked about this blog and running.  She has run a few half marathons and was getting ready to do another.  I noticed that every course of the 4 course meal, she never finished her meal…always only ate half.  I mentioned it.  She stated that she goes to so many of these types of events (as do I) that she just can’t possibly eat so much.  I admired her self restraint and promised myself that I will make more of an effort to do the same…I owe me that…plus I felt so “yuck” this morning (though the food was amazing!).

With all that in mind, I got up and headed out.  I was running late, and didn’t want to make my husband late for work, so I focused on time.  I did my walk to the park quicker than I had ever done it before…on a treadmill it might’ve been a speed of 3.5.

I did my first warm up jog, which I do right before I get to the park, but once I got to the park, The Runner came out and said, “Ok girl.  Since you indulged in so much goodness last night, why not let us indulge again, and treat us to a mile run around the park?”  

Wait?  Isn’t this where I am supposed to say, “I messed up last night, and now have to punish myself with a run?”  

“No, this is where you say, I had an awesome time last night, loved everything I ate, now this morning, I am rewarding my body by pushing my limits with a mile run, no stopping. Not for being bad, but because you want to continue to give your body something good.”

I liked that thinking and proceeded to jog.  I paced myself as I was pushing the limit today by jogging around the park, up and down all those hills, including Her Hill, no stops, no breaks, just continual jogging motion.  It was hard. Though my breathing was fine, my legs were so damn tired!  However, I started thinking, as I often do in the silence of my morning jogs of other things.  My adventures, my future, the book I have in my head to write, so and so…next thing I knew I had made it around the park and was face to face with Killer Hill 1.

I ran it, I made it to the top…and slowed down for a fast walk, rather than a run.  I was disappointed that I didn’t finish the entire loop.  ”Chin up girl!  Don’t be too hard on yourself.  That is the most consistent running you’ve done since you started, which by the way was last week!”  Right, right…I have done really well.  I can’t start feeling like a loser over this!

I speed-walked my way up to Killer Hill 2.  My body felt tired, but I wanted to make up for not finishing the loop in the park by running up this hill (which would’ve completed the mile run).  So I hit it, not too hard, but definitely pushing myself, wanting to keep a pace.  By the time I got to the top of the hill, I felt like I was going to vomit.  It felt like all the yumminess from last night was just going to force itself out right then and there!

I slowed down my pace, went into a walk, and slowly started controlling my breathing.

After the concern of vomiting faded, I felt crazy happy!  I’m going to try the mile again.  I can’t wait.

I got home did my stretches, did some arm work.  Turns out my kids are loving this new “exercise mommy” too and love joining in on the act…getting started at times seems like a challenge, just cause they always want to be on me.

I think they are beginning to understand how important this is to me, and for the most part give me my tiny space on the living room floor.  I caught them working out with the bands, and doing some stretches.  It was the greatest, most flattering imitation ever. 

Here’s the skinny: I guess I have always known this, but was reminded then and there, how aware my kids are of every little thing I do, and how this journey not only impacts my health, but theirs as well. I am setting examples that hopefully they will follow in their lives…and how could I not want them to?  I adore my children.  I gave them life, so of course I have the opportunity and responsibility to show them the tools to live it happily and healthy as well.

Truth is as soon as I woke up this morning (Wednesday) I felt pretty good. I was a little annoyed because I had some unfinished business to deal with, but after it was all over, and I succeeded in my intentions, my mood couldn’t be brighter, despite the cloudy days.

As I walked down the street feeling positive and happy within, people passing by smiled at me and guys were looking at me, you know, “the look”.

It kind of caught me off guard a little, I wasn’t expecting this…and maybe because I wasn’t with the kids I was more aware of it?  I dunno.  But, I do believe this: whatever it was that made people smile at me, or look at me in admiration (I hope), had nothing with what I was wearing, or my hair, or make up.  I am a firm believer that beauty comes from within and that it is affected by your mood, your thoughts, your outlook, your self.

I didn’t really embrace my looks till my late 20s.  Yup.  Spent most of my life thinking there was everything wrong with me.  In the process, I attracted people as negative as my perspective.  Once I was able to come out of this negative hold, my life changed completely.

I am now 38.  I have lost my adolescent beauty, but have gained other things, worth more, in turn.  And in the process, I have been fortunate to attract some of the most beautiful people into my life.  But I had to change.  Not my physical self, but my perspective, and I had to learn to love me and accept me.  It wasn’t the easiest thing to do.  When you grow up in a household where you are reminded that for so many reasons you aren’t beautiful, it takes a lot to overcome that and believe you are despite what you’ve been told.

So today, as I put make up on my face, in preparation for a dinner party I was attending, I was able to appreciate the woman staring back at me.  I saw her as an incredibly happy person, who has been blessed with so much.  I saw a person who has overcome a lot, but I wouldn’t change a thing.  I saw someone who knew that at any moment it could all be lost, so she knew she had to embrace it and be grateful for it all always.  I know that not everyone would think so much of me or love me, or like me, or accept me…but I’m ok with that. Because what matters is what I think of myself and what mark I leave in this world.

This is what I embrace during my workouts, this is what I think about while on this journey to better health, like in every other. Make the most of it every day.  I am fortunate to be here.  I am fortunate to have the freedom and support that I do in everything I do.

My hope is to always be humble, to always be kind.  To have the strength to say I’m sorry and admit when I’m wrong. To be accepting of others and offer forgiveness.  And to never measure my self worth or personal beauty based on other’s opinion of me, but on the good that I can give as a friend, a sister, a mother, a wife, and someone with this gift of life.  I am not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I try not to use these as excuses to be insensitive or cruel to anyone, because you get what you give.  Maybe not always, maybe not quickly, maybe not in the way you expect, but it does happen.

I know if I can maintain this course, my happiness and the beauty it brings will not falter. And that’s the skinny.

Turns out it wasn’t rainy, just a bit drizzly, windy, and really foggy.  I was eager to get out there and take it on, maybe cause I felt in doing so I was going to be one of the “tough gals”, you know, “whether rain, sleet, or snow…”

The minute I stepped out of my apartment I felt like a rock star.  Not sure why, maybe because I knew I was going to run today.  Maybe because running makes me feel like I’m cool…(laughing to herself)…it is cool…though, I think anyone who made it out this morning at 6:30AM for any type of work out is pretty cool.

I ran my first hill.  My legs ached, but I also felt stronger.  Made it into the park.  Silence.  I saw her again, The Lady in Purple, but this time she was wearing royal blue.  We smiled at each other.

I hit my second hill (Her Hill), jogging, and another runner, you can tell an avid runner as he totally looked the part, smiled at me and greeting me with a friendly, “Good Morning!” and a smile as we passed each other by.

I know that at times some athletes aren’t always friendly, especially to beginners, but I have been a beginner runner a few times now and I can tell you, I’ve always felt a warmth among other runners.  Well, unless they are racing and you get in their way!

When I started up Her Hill my legs were feeling a bit stronger…I lifted my head, took in the views (and a pic) before going full force into it.  That moment in time was so beautiful and peaceful.  That moment in running early in the morning is what I love the most about this new venture.

I went up the hill around The New Leaf Cafe…you know, Killer Hill 1 that threatens to knock me over each time? Well, I made it, without quitting, though, I was actually wheezing a bit at the top.

When I got to the last hill, Killer Hill 2 by Bennett Park, I was a bit nervous.  I was speed walking up to it and looked right at it and said, “Ok baby, it’s you and me now.” LOL!  I know.  I’m a dork.  I started my jog, focused on maintaining my pace, and just kept going.  Surprisingly, I wasn’t wheezing, or feeling like I was going to die.  ”Killer Hill” prepared me for “Killer Hill 2″!

I got home, did my stretches, crunches, more stretches, kissed my husband good-bye and made the boys breakfast.  As I drank my protein smoothy, while making my bed, I got a glimpse of my booty.  I lifted my t-shirt and checked it out. 

I liked what I saw.  Mind you…I know it’s bigger than most booties, I know I just started working out, so it’s not significantly different than last week before all of this, and I admit it can make for difficult jean shopping experiences, but there it is, mine (and my hubby’s)…it felt strong, it wasn’t jiggly…just saying, “Girl, you did good today…you did good!”

Picture blurry due to the complexity of focusing camera when taking self-booty portraits.

PS: I’ve inspired yet another beautiful friend to take charge and get healthy!  Check out her blog here and join me in congratulating her and supporting her throughout her journey!  Remember to also visit ebbin’s blog and show your support!  And thank you ladies for your courage, support, and friendship!  Together, we can get to the skinny!  Much love!

I love food.  I love trying different things, I love cooking it, and discovering how different spices work together.  I feel I missed a calling…should’ve been a chef, a baker…a culinary artist.  Or a food traveler, a female Anthony Bourdain, if you will.

Which is why, as much as I also have no problem working out and am happy to work towards a healthier lifestyle, I will never be one to shun food, excess of anything yes, but never food.

So, I am making sure to take my work out very seriously in order to make this journey a positive one for me.  Today, my “off” day was a great day to rest.  With all the rain and cloudiness, I was able to focus on some cleaning, some writing, some playing and reading books with the boys.  But I also took some time to stretch, to take on a push up challenge, do some sit ups (100) and lift some weights.  And when I felt like an after dinner treat, I reached for some grapes and a glass of water.

Cause here’s the skinny: I’m thinking ahead.  I have a dinner party later this week, and will be traveling this weekend.  If I am going to eat that one decadent treat, it sure as hell won’t be a stupid crumpled up cookie from the cupboard!  

Lastly, someone thought I would feel like crap today after having walked/run a total of 7 miles yesterday.  Not only so I feel wonderful, flexible, and even a bit light (though I doubt I have lost much weight at all in 4 days), but my mood is happy, my confidence is sky high, and I am really loving my new venture.

I slept in a little later and lingered in bed to cuddle with hubby before finally getting up to go for my morning walk.  My legs were a little sore this morning from yesterday’s workout, but hubby massaged my feet and I was ready to go.

Have I told you how much I am loving these morning hours to myself?  Well, today was no different.  It was about 8:40 when I left the apt, but the neighborhood was still quiet.  As I made my walk up the first steep hill, I felt strong and full of energy, and suddenly that voice, I’ll call her “The Runner” started talking and she brought to mind something I said in yesterday’s post.  Specifically, I said this:

“...I started feeling stronger, and I could feel The Runner in me wanting to come out.  But I know I’m not ready yet.  Too much weight, too soon.“

“Why do you doubt yourself?  Why do you limit yourself?  Give it a try! How can you say no without trying?”, over and over she keep talking to me, reprimanding me for having thought these things.

Next thing I knew I went from a fast walk, to a slow jog.  It just took over, and come so naturally.  I jogged up what is the second of a series of hills along the way.  Then I stopped jogging at the top of the hill and started speed walking again. “My knee! My knee!  I don’t want to injure my knee!” I thought nervously.  

Then I saw her.  A woman in her 40s maybe.  I’ll call her “The Lady in Purple“. She passed me by with a slow jog.  I don’t now why I didn’t take a picture of her as she passed me, something told me I should, but I didn’t.  The Runner started talking again, “See her?  You can do this!  C’mon!”  It wasn’t jealousy, it wasn’t competitiveness…it was something else, like encouragement almost.  At this point I entered the park, next I knew I was jogging again.  I noticed a red robin jumping from branch to branch on the trees I passed, chirping loudly, almost as if it were cheering me on.  

I felt amazing.  Strong. Able. The morning breeze caressed my face as I jogged along the wall overlooking the Hudson River.  It was gorgeous.  Then I hit the third uphill.  I had a great pace, I felt good, but my knee was definitely making itself known…not in a painful way, but enough to have me insecure, nervous.  I started doubting my ability again, even though I was still keeping a good, slow pace.  All of a sudden, there she was, The Lady in Purple, coming at me, still jogging.  She smiled at me and said, “Great job!  You’re doing great!  Fabulous!”

 ”Thank you!”, I replied as we quickly passed each other.

Seriously, she made the rest of that hill, including the killer hill from yesterday, just float by because I couldn’t stop smiling.  She filled me with so much confidence and pride that it just gave me strength to finish the loop around the park with a jog, which turns out is a little over a mile.  This, combined to my walk from and to my apt is a about 3.5 miles. 

I exited the park and walked, not wanting to push too hard on the first day, but when I got to the last hill, the absolute steepest hill, leading to Bennett Park, I jogged it.  This hill had my exhaling out load…it felt as if my chest was going to pop, my thighs were burning, but I needed to do it, and I did.

The remainder of the walk home, about 10 blocks, I walked briskly and full with a sense of accomplishment.  About 3 blocks away from my home, I slowed down my pace to cool off.  A Puerto Rican man started walking alongside me. “You looked great!  Good job!”  Any other day, I would’ve been annoyed, but today, I was opened for the praises.

“Thanks!”, I replied.

“You know, I used to weigh 300 lbs, I was huge.  I couldn’t breath, move, nothing. Then I took control of my life and started working out and look at me!  I have muscles and feel great!”  Though not an attractive man, he did look physically fit and muscular. I smiled, “Congratulations!  That’s a great accomplishment.”  

“Good luck to you,” he said as he started to slow down his pace, “but don’t worry too much, you look great!”

I couldn’t help but smile. 

This was how I started my day. And the confidence and motivation carried itself throughout the day.  So much so, that towards the end of my day, I stretched for about 20 minutes before going for another walk/run around the park.  My legs are sore, so I didn’t push it too hard, but since tomorrow is my “off” day, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to go for one more round.

I thought of The Lady in Purple, and how great she was, how I would love for her to be my friend forever and ever. I’ve named that hill where she filled me with praise and encouragement “Her Hill” and will think of her every time I run it.

And here’s the skinny: I will run it every time, because I can.